SM: oh man, mom let me have her old joy of cooking from the 60s
which my dad rebound in his bookbinding days
it is awesome
me: oh, no way
is everything 30% butter?
SM: it has recipes for, like, possum
and how to skin a squirrel

SM: okay, i'm looking at the joy of cooking right now, and there is a chapter called "stuffings, dressings, farces or forcemeat"
me: WHAT THE FUCK
"farces or forcemeat"???
you should probably make that your gchat status

SM: okay, i opened to a random page in the "meat" chapter
here are the contents of this two-page spread:
"about tripe"
"cooked tripe"
"tripe a la mode de caen"
"fried tripe"
"spanish tripe"
"lamb fries"
me: man i read that as "tripe a la mode in a can" which might even be funnier
SM: "calf or lamb head"
"head cheese or brawn"
"calf lung or lights"
BEST COOKBOOK EVER
me: possibly the best BOOK ever
this could be endlessly entertaining
SM: OMG
the next pages include "baked pigs' feet"
and "cockscombs"
me: oh my god
SM: and "about marrow"
me: are you sure this is from the 60s
and not from, like, 60?
SM: apparently you can stuff cockscombs with chicken farce
me: WHAT THE RUDDY HELL IS CHICKEN FARCE
SM: i don't actually know b/c the copyright page is missing
me: well they didn't have copyright in 60
back when our ancestors were using every part of their prey
SM: it is "a gala stuffing for boned chicken, squabs or galantines"!
me: you are going to find the copyright page
SM: i'm sure there is a section of prayers you should offer to the lamb you just fried
me: and it is going to say "LX"

SM: i just found the game chapter
it is basically the sarah palin chapter
"Peccary: Immediately after killing, remove the musk glands in the middle of the back"
me: what the... WHAT EVEN IS A PECCARY
is it a kind of... wild pig?
OR IS IT A KIND OF VAGINAL INSERT
SM: apparently a peccary LOOKS like a pig but isn't
b/c pigs are from europe and peccaries are from america
me: pigs are from europe?
no wonder they're such assholes

SM: "Birds here discussed are of many kinds: ortolans, figpeckers, coot, doves, woodcock, snipe, rails, curlew, plover, quail, larks, reed birds, thrush, moorhen and gallinule"
THAT WAS IMPOSSIBLE TO TYPE
me: OH MY GOD
SM: I DIED LAUGHING
I AM DEAD
me: I AM IN LOVE WITH THIS BOOK
SM: coot!!!!
me: "but not the gannet, they wet their nests"
SM: i need to start a blog
about this
me: "gallinule"??
oh god, yes
just blog this fucking book
SM: i will be famous like that julia child cook lady
i know
me: the world needs to know
SM: i won't even have to cook, just transcribe
me: oh totally
i mean you CANNOT cook this stuff because WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU GOING TO GET A PECCARY
and the "gallinule" has probably been renamed since 60
SM: "To use the entrails after cooking, sieve or chop the intestines and flambe them briefly in cognac"
"Mix with pan drippings and spread on a crouton OR OVER THE BIRD AS A GLAZE before serving" (emphasis added)
me: i have NEVER seen such a thing as this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/American_Purple_Gallinule
eew, that is BARBARIC
SM: i'd eat that
i'd totally fucking eat that
me: omg i just collapsed
SM: i know! glazing a bird with its own intestines?
me: i'm pretty sure that's countermanded by the geneva convention
SM: cheney probably eats it every day!
me: cheney never eats anything that ISN'T glazed with its own intestines
SM: "Small birds should be barded, or you may wrap them first in fig or grape leaves"
me: oh my god
SMALL BIRDS SHOULD BE BARDED
IS THAT EVEN ENGLISH
SM: "Blackbirds and crows, if eaten as a matter of necessity, must be parblanched first"
do you think she means the necessity of poverty, or like, you set a bird trap and damn if you didn't get all these crows
me: and what if they're eaten because you like them? then do you parblanch them?
or bard them, or what?
SM: I am going to bard everything from now on

SM: "To test for youth, hold the bird aloft by the lower mandible. If this breaks, failing to support the weight of the bird, you have a young specimen"
me: WHAT
SM: "Roast or broil if young. Braise if old"
this is the greatest book i've ever seen

SM: THERE IS A DIAGRAM OF SKINNING A SQUIRREL
COMPLETE WITH LITTLE CARTOON BOOTS STEPPING ON ITS TAIL

SM: OMG
"If possible, trap 'possum and feed it on milk and cereals for 10 days before killing"
SICK BASTARDS
me: these people built gitmo
there is no way around it

It now acts partly as a time capsule of my musical tastes... no way I would put hip-hop under not valid/not proficient now. I also find it funny that one of the entries in valid/proficient is "Good." (That'd be the Morphine album, not the adjective.)

( Tunder & Jess' Music Classification System )